Friday, February 29, 2008

Ten Reasons Why Your Guitar Playing Sucks

1: You're lazy, and the only time you practice is when the whole band gets together, so you never have anything figured out ahead of time, and are about as fluid as a petrified monkey turd left in a pyramid four thousand years ago.

And you do so without giving a shit about tone. I mean, really, just having a big Marshall Stack and a crappy metal guitar is not a substitute for knowing how to make the men jealous and the girls damp with pleasure.

3: You got no groove. You don't play songs, you just play chord patterns. And the same one, on everything, like a mindless robot assembling defective butt plugs in some factory in China that will short out and fry buttholes.

4: You're timid. You cling to one style, one guitar and one tone, and only play safe things you've figured out beforehand, so you can eliminate the possibility of mistakes.
You also suck all the energy out of the music and bore a lot of people to the point of wanting to projectile vomit whatever they're drinking, just to see if you're the robot mentioned above or if you will actually respond to having gastric juices filled with cheap beer hurled upon you by gut muscles.

5: You're an arrogant prick, and are confused, thinking that having a guitar and being onstage makes you think that your fecal matter has no odor, that everybody wants to hear your full shred masturbatory wankifying more than they want to hear a band.
This makes you play very long solos that are really just the scales you learned on the couch watching bad TV talk shows after you got laid off from that cubicle job, instead of figuring out that getting in, dropping your tasty bomb of musical mayhem and getting out makes you seem like a crazed master of restraint and frenzy.

6: You're rigid. You see no need for improvement, and without a drummer, you suck, big time at keeping a steady rhythm.
And you refuse to learn new ways to play to the point of insane meat headed self destructing stupidity, thinking you have to have use heavy strings, flail about beating up your guitars for no good reason with wild pick strokes and and a steel fisted monkey grip.

7: You forget your guitar is a tool. So you baby it, don't play it hard when you need to, are afraid to take it out of the case and leave it out where it will remind you every time you walk past it to check your pointless email or watch that stupid TV show about lactating men and the dogs who love them.
There's no point in smashing a perfectly good guitar, but there's also no point in dying and leaving behind an instrument that's not played into a state of perfection.

8: You forget your guitar is more than a tool. You just use it to push chords around so your heartfelt songs have something to hang on, instead of as much a part of the music as Your Stupid Lyrics About Love and Your artistic PAIN.
This is like ignoring a new sweetie who rubs your feet, feeds you fine chocolate, greets you at the door with an eight ounce bottle of lube warmed to *102 degrees Fahrenheit, wrapped in red Saran Wrap and fuzzy pink slippers holding a giant margarita made with fine tequila while you're spending all your time thinking about your last sweetheart who pissed on all four seats in your car and fucked your best pal for six months. But you're an idiot who's guitar playing sucks, so we don't expect much.

9: You're boring. You do everything the same way every time, and want everybody else to as well. The idea that somebody might just be in the moment and roll off on some great tangent bugs you, because you think being professional means getting everything "right", and that anybody who rides the edge and risks screwing up is a loose cannon, a dangerous sort of free spirit.

10. You never realized that you're one of millions of idiots with a guitar. Even more so in Madison, where legions of white boys with guitars prowl the streets, looking for people to talk at about their greatness. It's boring, self involved and pathetic. You are not a special snowflake, nobody gives a shit. Come down off your high horse, before you fall off it.

Note: the photo of the lovely dark eyed Pam spanking her telecaster is an example of Does Not Suck, and she is a rock star we all should admire and give huge sums of money to.

1 comment:

M Big Mistake said...

Some of us have tried to admire the lovely dark eyed Pam (from near or far, whichever was more to her liking) and have been told we are freaks and that she never wants to see or speak to us again. Why, I was ignored on the bus just yesterday in fact...

Some folks think emotional tangents also signal loose cannons who are dangerous. And they'd rather break all ties than try to work it out.

I'm beginning to think that every band leader has more than a drop or two of asshole in them.

"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." Ralph Waldo Emerson